Welcome to my blog about my journey so far with trying to conceive with invisible/chronic illnesses….
My journey started 4 years ago after we got married, I was SOOOOO EXCITED to finally start trying for a baby, a baby I’ve wanted for so long but had decided to hold off trying for until we were married and in more of a financial position. At long last we were FINALLY going to have a baby soon.. well at least that’s what I had thought…
I previously fell pregnant when I was younger several times with my ex but all had ended unfortunately but I was young and it had taken it as it just wasn’t meant to be and he wasn’t the nicest guy so I had told myself I had miscarried for a reason and that this time would be different as I was older, financially stable and married o the love of my life who is the sweetest person you could imagine. Unfortunately things weren’t as I hoped.
I was in my late 20’s but had discovered I have endometriosis a few years prior so once again I had yet another laparoscopy as the first few months of trying nothing had come from it. I really hope I never have to have another laparoscopy as the 1st one in 2013 it had spread throughout my organs, which I had no idea it could do and due to complications I was on bed rest for 12 weeks and gained so much weight and lost my metabolism so had to say goodbye to being my old 58kg size 8 perfect body as I was now a size 12 with 5 horrible scars and couldn’t lose the weight regardless of what I tried. My next surgery in 2016 was better besides the medical staff issues… I woke up after I had my surgery and was told by my Fertility specialist/surgeon that my tubes were clear, all endo was removed and that we were just now waiting on biopsy results from what was removed, unfortunately for me he then went on holidays for several weeks without doing his paperwork and which meant no medicare refund until he returned (which wasn’t the issue) but he wrote in his entry that no Endo was found or removed??? I couldn’t believe it when I had my next appointment and he had said that, I was roppible that all was forgotten, did he remove what he had previously seen and shown me on scans? The chocolate cysts were they gone? Did he write about the wrong patient? So I made a complaint and changed fertility specialists as anyone would do!
At this point we were now at the 6 month mark with no positive pregnancy test, so we decided to try getting some help, firstly with just the fertility specialist monitoring my bloods every second day along with those horrible internal ultrasounds to check when I was going to ovulate so we new when to “try..” after a few unsuccessful months we then tried medication to assist… hormones!!! Clomid was the first point of call to help create more “targets” for the sperm (great analogy from the fertility specialist) for those of you who have taken Clomid my heart goes out to you!
Clomid, whist it did it’s job of creating 2-3 targets a month for the 8 months we had tried it all up, I have to say the side effects were horrendous! Talk about bloating, cramping, headaches, nausea, becoming a hormonal witch to my poor husband, food cravings and aversions… the amount of months the side effects made me believe I had to be pregnant was probably the hardest when finding out I wasn’t , it broke my heart each month, I was putting my body through all this and yet nothing!! There was a month that I was even late, ended in a heavy cycle to the point they thought I may of had a chemical pregnancy but no positive test to confirm either way only negatives. The side effects were crazy as not only did it give me side effects, it made all my daily symptoms worse!! talk about having a constant flare up, it’s an understatement!
After so much heart ache we decided to try IUI’s or more commonly known as artificial insemination, This also meant more hormones then previously! I was having to inject myself daily with GONAL F to help get more “targets” and then inject myself in the stomach once again with HCG to trigger ovulation. I have such a fear of needles this was horrible to do, I did get my husband to do it but it seemed to hurt moreso so I stood up to the plate and did it myself, unfortunately no luck yet again! More heart break, break downs and nights of endless tears, I lost all hope. I was feeling horrible from both side effects and symptoms flared beyond belief.. I was a mess, all of these things going wrong whilst still working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. So we decided to take a break!
Once again we tried naturally once we were ready, but nothing again, so we decided to do one last round of IUI, my specialist was on holiday so I had another lady stand in instead and she tried a different combination by adding a progesterone pesserie to the mix of all other hormones the same as last. This month was by far the worst month of them all, the side effects, the horrific cramps, the works!!!!! I was a week late though and had my hopes up like crazy, I had never been this late before, I thought it all must be worth it, but the tests kept coming up negative until it was without a doubt another unsuccessful month. I was broken, shattered into pieces and decided to no longer focus on trying for a baby and throw myself back into work instead!
This was June last year 2019 that I had given up hope and decided to focus on life instead of on creating a new little life. Little did I know the impact the fertility medication had done to my body, 2 weeks later I ended up with severe chest pains and was short of breath. With my hate of doctors and hospitals I had just planned on going home and sleeping it off. It was 5:30pm so the day was almost finished anyway but my fellow workmates could see how pale I was and how much pain I was in so insisted I was to go to the Doctors across the road. So reluctantly I did, my heart rate was at 140bpm whilst sitting, my oxygen very low at 92%, baffled and worried my doctor ended up calling an ambulance.
After a weekend in hospital and sooo much blood taken, they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, my stats were fine … because i was lying in a bed! They released me on the Sunday and after doing some research I found POTS suited all my symptoms and as I couldn’t even walk or stand without falling from the dizziness and shortness of breath but was fine when laying down.I went back to the doctors who did some more tests to find I was right! As POTS is more common in teenagers, pregnant women and those going through menopause, the hormones must of been the trigger, after running a bunch of tests we also discovered I had Coeliac disease (Thankfully only early signs of damage during the colonoscopy & Endoscopy were found along with a polyp that was removed) and a name finally put to another condition I’ve always had which was Hypermobility syndrome. So now I know why I can dislocate joints easily!
Unfortunately due to all the heath issues added on to previous health issues the Doctors have stated that I can no longer use hormones to assist. Well not until they can get the current conditions under control at least…. Which seems to be taking forever!
Fast forward to December 2019, after only trying naturally again after a short break not focusing on ovulation (just taking it as it comes) whilst we finished renovating and sold our house, moved interstate and I finished up work due to more added heath concerns of seizures, we decided we needed a break and went on a cruise!!! Only a short holiday but it fell during the time of ovulation, on the cruise we had a couples massage, I tried fertility accupuncture for the first time (never before due to the fear of needles), I corrected my posture from a health seminar on the cruise which helped my sciatica and knee pain, I was relaxed, I even tried a month of fertility meditation and visualisation. This month I got my first faint POSITIVE pregnancy test!!
I wasn’t surprised as I felt like I just “was” since 3 days past ovulation I had feelings I had never had before, burning nipples daily, vivid crazy dreams, sore tender breasts to the point of having to wear a bra to bed each night, cramping mostly one sided but towards the end it started on both sides, I had cravings for milky drinks… banana smoothies, teas, chocolate milk and yet the smell of food made me dry reach!! This was it I just knew it!!
Fast forward to now, I have booked a doctors appointment but cant get in until next week, after being late and a faint positive I ended up bleeding once again, huge clots like never before, intense cramping 3 days prior to the bleeding which is still hurting but not as bad thankfully. 2 days of heavy bleeding followed by 3 days of spotting on and off. Too scared to take another test, I have read stories of those who lost one baby and not the other, those who experienced the same symptoms and yet continued on full term after believing they had lost it, and those who unfortunately did lose their little one and miscarried 😦 I sit here not knowing as I write this whilst awaiting a scan!
Whilst I believe all stories must have a happy ending, although unknown at this point, I chose to believe that this is a happy ending in the way of I DID CONCEIVE AT LAST!!! With no hormones, just us! I really hope there is a little fighter still holding on inside, I had so many dreams of twins and I myself was a twin but my mum had miscarried and thought she had lost her baby and then later found out I was there and it was my twin she had lost. So until the scan I hold onto hope. Each day is still hard, each time I have a seizure I wonder if that’s effecting my chance of having a healthy baby or is part of the reason I have issues conceiving now, I’m so short of breath when upright I cant run or go for walks to lose weight. There are so many factors and stresses and heart break in my mind, but for now…. I choose to be strong, I choose to be positive, I choose to hold onto hope for now! Whatever the outcome, this whole journey has made me strong!
#Invisiblebutstrong #NeverGiveUp #NeverLoseHope #TryingToConceive #TTC